A lot of distressed relationships lead at least one partner, usually the break-up victim to seek advice from one of many forums on the internet. While the forums can offer some valuable advice, a lot of the feedback one might receive is inaccurate and not very productive in trying to help one get back with an ex. For many of the forum respondents, the thought of vengeance overwhelms the fact that saving a marriage or relationship should come first.
The reason saving a marriage or a relationship should take precedence is twofold. Notwithstanding the fact that divorce rates are startlingly high at 50% for first marriages, 67% for second marriages, and 74% for third marriages, but to get back with an ex is often the most logical option for both parties.
The first is that a lot of people who post advice on these forums do not know the relationship. Coincidentally, these same people will comment on the high divorce rate and bash people who get married or hook up only to break up after so little time. Well, duh, they are the ones encouraging this! If you have ever visited such a forum, you have seen the so-called advice too often: "He dumped you, move on, get over him and find someone else, girl, be strong!" Understand that these posts are based only on several small details; they do not have a full grasp of the circumstances that led to the original post.
Secondly, trying to get back with an ex often leads people to act in an irrational manner. This comes with the territory of feeling like you have lost control, but instead of being conducive to saving a marriage it can actually cause structure damage to it. Far too often, people will act on emotion and resort to name-calling or crazy text-message or voicemail stalking. All this is done with the intention of saving a marriage or relationship, but remember that the person who did the dumping never fell in love with a crazy name-caller or stalker, so why would he or she want to take one back? It makes little sense, which reinforces the need to think and act rationally and logically... easier said than done, though.
Ultimately, saving a marriage makes more sense than starting over because both parties have co-created a sort of comfort zone with one another. Building a new relationship from scratch involves a great deal of risk. Risk of failure, risk of something way too different. This is why most people are averse to change, even when change makes perfect sense. In fact, our psychological hard-wiring has made it easier for us to tolerate a relationship that borders on emotionally abusive than to start a new one. For some reason, most forum posters fail to understand this and instead recommend the more-difficult path.
In summary, forum posters who encourage a fresh start with someone new are essentially shifting the blame for the break up to the party who is seeking advice in the first place. Often, posters will try to point out general flaws in the offending party without having a full understanding of the relationship or circumstances surrounding the break up. As a result, it is always best to take advice on forums with a grain of salt, which is not always easily done in moment of heartache and desperation. Surely, most posters have good intentions, but their posts do little to mend a marginally broken relationship. By discounting the benefits to saving a marriage or other relationship, they are essentially encouraging avenues that only complicate matters further.
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